McSWEENEY’S
THE FLU MY FOUR-YEAR-OLD BROUGHT HOME FOR SPRING BREAK ADDRESSES MY HOPE OF NOT CATCHING IT.
“To be clear, you’re a drunk trust-fund kid, and I’m your Malibu bonfire spreading out of control. Daddy can’t stop this flu.”
METHOD MAN, RAEKWON, AND THE WU-TANG CLAN DESIGN EVERYTHING I BUY MY NEWBORN.
“Yeahhh, torture motherfucker what? I’ll fucken… I’ll fucken make a little nipple suction cup to capture excess breast milk from the not-in-use boob but design it crazy top-heavy to the point where a breeze from someone walking by will knock it over so instead of helping up your supply you’re scrubbing crusty milk out the lines in your floorboard with a kabob skewer.”
SHOULD YOU CONSOLIDATE YOUR STUDENT LOANS OR GET HIT BY A CAR?
“Sure, some feel it’s insane to jump in front of a moving vehicle instead of just spending a Saturday focused on finding a good consolidation plan. But where they see lemons, others see free glasses of lemonade from the hospital cafeteria.”
Points in Case
I AM A REAL PERSON, WITH REAL FEELINGS, WITH A REAL 48 FOOT MEDIEVAL TREBUCHET.
“What you may not realize is that under this immaculately restored armor lies a soft, gentle soul whose childhood love of swords became an adulthood of arguing with my spouse about turning our foyer into the showroom of my medieval cutlery collection.”
Robot Butt
“This affordable package gets you a healthy open-palmed slap, with a side of spiritual metaphor. Great for on-the-goers looking for the perspective change of a six-day trip to Bhutan.”